willy-nilly

I love this word. Or is it a phrase?

Whatever it is, it's one of my favorites.

I work with my brother, in the family business, and not a day goes by at the office without one of us using willy-nilly in a sentence.

(Try it, it's fun!)

But...as much as I adore SAYING willy-nilly, I'm not much good at BEING willy-nilly. At least not with my running. Not like my brother. He can willy-nilly with the best of 'em.

He's a beast of a runner, my brother. He's got like NEGATIVE percent body fat, he can bound up big hills like a graceful deer while I'm panting and cussing still at the bottom, he can run all the parts of the trails I have to walk.

AND...he can run willy-nilly.

Like no watch even.

No training plan.

No race on the calendar to motivate him.

He runs for the joy of running, and while I TOTALLY get that, and WANNA be like that, I'm just not built that way. I wish I was.

He's easy going. He's self-motivated. He just runs. When he wants. As far as he feels like it that day. All willy-nilly.

Me?

I do best with a plan.

Edit: I HAVE to have a plan.

I now know that about myself.

Oh, I've tried to be willy-nilly like my brother. Year before last, I wanted to see if I could run all the race distances in one year, you know, a 5k, a 10k, a 15k, a half marathon, a marathon, and an ultra. I trained like a fiend, logged each workout, counted every mile. And I did it!

Tired, I let myself have a few months off.

And then, I thought, hmmm, maybe I could be willy-nilly? I mean, I did all these races, ran all the things, what it I took a whole year to just run for the joy of it?

Know what happened?

Not much.

I am sad to report that the thigh gap I had worked so hard to achieve (not for vanity or aesthetic reasons, but honestly, so I wouldn't start forest fires!) has disappeared. My thighs are now rubbing together like two horny teenagers at their first dance. Running turned into NAH, I'LL JUST WALK today. And next day. And then into NAH, I'LL JUST NETFLIX AND NAP.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

(And by mighty, I mean, again, those thighs. Sigh.)

I look back at pics I took, back when I was running consistently, and wish I was her again. Now, SHE was a badass. With a good ass. Now, I'm....ugh, too lazy to even finish that sentence.

Much reflection, and many snacks later, I've come to realize that while I love my brother's willy-nilly-ness, it's just not in the cards for me. I need a goal to run towards. And you know what? That's okay. We're all built different, and this is me.

Overthinking

Gotta write it down to check it off

Setting goals like races

Me.

If I want to embrace that version of me again, the one smiling, sweaty, the one who runs 15 miles in the woods for fun, then I'm going to have embrace this part of me as well. I'm going to have to understand that for me to stay motivated, I need a big goal. THAT is how I get there. To the fun part. To the cool part. To the badass part. Just like: There's where I wanna go, here's my map.

And so, I've set a CRAZY BIG SCARY goal.

It's a race I've wanted to conquer for, well, forever.

40 miles.

On trails.

I've got plenty of time.

I sat and wrote a BRILLIANT training plan (that I'll share more about later).

I know these trails.

Can I finish?

We'll see.

But at least I've got my goal.

No more willy-nilly for me.

Training starts Monday.